Relationships and trust.

I'm feeling unusually sad today. Yesterday was fun; Frank and I spent the day at Coney Island. We went on a couple of rides, had Nathan's hot dogs, walked along the boardwalk, I dipped my feet in the ocean, we played some games in the arcade and picked out some silly prizes with the 257 tickets we won rather quickly, and got our photos taken in a photobooth. But I was somehow unsatisfied. Last week, I did something stupid that cost me some of his trust. I won't say what it was here as I'm embarrassed by it and disappointed in myself for doing it. It's not like I slept with someone else, though. He has every right to be angry and upset at me.

Back in March, I did another stupid thing. I wish most guys would treat girls as their equals. Then, I did some physical things with a girl. Though there were feelings attached, he seemingly quickly let it go, just because it was with a girl and not a guy. As a girl who has been in love with both sexes and has been in relationships with both sexes, I've always found this situation disturbing. I know two reasons people may feel this way: 1. "Girl-on-girl action is sexy." 2. "The bible states that love is only meant to be between a man and a woman, therefore, your 'feelings' are an illusion." Now, I know in absolute certainty, that my love for one of my past girlfriends was 100% real. There were a few points in our relationship that we were considering marriage. Yes, we were teenagers, and it could have been because we were each other's first loves and first relationships with the same sex, but our feelings for each other were 100% real. So, why, in a lot of society, does it seem to not count? I don't give a fuck how sexy it is to you. Great, your hormones are flying in every which direction: Go fucking masturbate, but don't tell me my first love wasn't real.

I'm sorry, I went on a rant...in March, a girl I'd been talking to online for a few years visited NYC for a weekend. We'd always had feelings for each other. When I visited her at her hotel room, we drank wine and got carried away. Also, I though Frank gave me a "free pass." I have some very important advice for anyone considering receiving and "using" a "free pass". DON'T DO IT. You will regret it and it can potentially ruin your relationship. He's only allowing it because he's imagining it and getting turned on by the thought of it. Personally, even though I did that, I find the idea repulsive. It's just stupid. If you love the one you're with, you'll be 100% loyal. I do regret it, but I think he didn't let it ruin us because he knew my real feelings for her and that I'd never see her again. This is true, but I feel he was way too fucking easy on me by letting it slide. Yes, I did have some trust to gain back, but I'll never fully understand why. It angers me. Ever since then, I've felt like he should've just dumped me for that. I still feel that way.

Last Thursday, when I told him what I did on Tuesday night, I was absolutely hysterical. When he asked me what I thought I deserved, I said it was to be dumped. He was taken aback but, just because of that, for about 2 seconds, he did. When I asked him why he didn't do it, or think I deserved it, he said that it's because he loves me.

I'm sitting in the school library going over all of this shit in my head and I'm recounting everything. I'm upset, but I feel I should be. I deserve to be treated as he feels, and that's like shit. I imagine it's like I stomped on his heart and gave it back to him, broken and bruised. He and I definitely are masochists by staying in this relationship, but my love for him is real. I'd understand if you think that I'm lying. But I'm not. I'm so confused and frustrated at myself. Our relationship is nowhere near has happy as it was in the beginning until about half a year ago.

I can easily call myself all kinds of names for what I've done, but that won't help or change a single thing.