Invisible.

When I think "invisible," I think of high school. I think of low self-esteem, sadness, depression, crying, isolating myself, cutting to deal with all of the insecurities, suicidal thoughts and even an attempt, and being sent to a psych ward. I think of hating myself. I think of how out of touch with reality I was then. Always thinking I wasn't and would never be as cool as the "popular" girls, which kinda sucked being that they used to live on my block. (I'm actually still kinda jealous of them, which is ridiculous, I am well aware.) High school seemed to be all about social hierarchy, and I put myself in my own little circle. With the wannabe punks and goths and badasses. 


After the ninth grade, my mother got me tested at school because she thought I was cracking under the pressure and I kept her awake late to help me with some of the homework. She forced this on me and I ended up being put in fucking special ed. It was kind of hard to think highly of myself when I was put on the same level of those who were mentally retarded and those who weren't that smart. I felt so stupid and I was so angry at my mother for this. This didn't make me look any better to the twins and the rest of their crew. (The twins are the ones that lived on my block.) I felt below everyone in the school and in the universe. The only people who really know besides the school, parents, and my sister, are my boyfriend, my ex best friend at the time, and one of my friends. It's not exactly something I'm proud of. I just felt so low and dealt with it by constantly isolating myself from my family, cutting, and not doing the homework because I was "too smart for special ed." So my grades got low. That showed my mom and the school! So yeah, you could say my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent. 


In senior year of high school, my eating habits changed drastically. I wanted more than to disappear because of all the other crap, but I wanted to lose weight for the first time in my life. I remember, at prom, there was a table of deserts. I loved brownies, but all I could think about was the calories and gaining weight. I had started starving myself that year and I'm struggling with it to this day.


I don't want to disappear anymore. I want to be strong and inspirational. I want to save lives because I lived through all of that. If I could save myself, then you can, too.